Who am I?

I have no idea really. It seems to be an ever evolving thing. I am a sister, and a daughter and a friend. I am a teacher, a student, an artist, a writer, a creative. I am all of these things, they are all part of me. But they don’t add up to me.    

“Oscar Wilde said that if you know what you want to be, the you inevitably become it – that is your punishment, but if you never know, then you can be anything. There is truth to that. We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing – an actor, a writer – I am a person who does things – I write, I act – and I never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.” – Stephen Fry  

Leaving school, they always ask you what you wanted to be like you are suppose to know at the tender age of 18. And I never wanted to choose a career. Ugh – doing one thing for the rest of my life?? Nope!!! I could never answer that question. What did I want to be? I never wanted to BE anything. I wanted to DO many things, what could I choose that would allow me to do everything? I didn’t know.  

Eventually for some still unknown reason I decided to study Architecture straight out of high school. It didn’t give me the giddy tingles of something amazing happening, it actually scared me. Jump forward, 2.5 years later and while I had learnt a lot, I was done. It wasn’t for me. I couldn’t see the point because I didn’t want to BE an architect.

Everyone asked me but what now? What will you do, what do you want to be? I still didn’t having a fucking clue. I was just running away from that scary cringy path. But alas – without a plan, or an underlining idea for my life, I ended up flopping around uselessly until I ended up  a data capturer for an international shoe brand here in South Africa. Yippy!  

It was a temp job, I was supposed to figure out what my next move was while working there.

I didn’t.  

I got caught up in the fantastical world of fashion – bags, and shoes and clothes – all brand name of course. I became full time and I learnt a lot. I loved it! But also, I was unhappy. I was learning cool stuff about numbers and fashion, but I wasn’t really growing as a person. I applied for a promotion within the department because that what what you were supposed to do next right? This screamed growth to me! I was building a career!  

And it sucked. I could no longer hide from the fact that this was supposed to be a temp job, I was supposed to be figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, and I had accidentally found an unfulfilling career.  

So (quite reasonably) I quit my job; withdrew my pension and took off in a VW City Golf with my then boyfriend to partake in a charity rally / really long pub crawl travelling with about 30 other cars. For a month across Southern African.

This was IT! I was going to have an epiphany under the stars in Namibia and come home with a new focus, and plan, a dream to chase. I was sure of it!

We drove 10 000km across Southern Africa partying, partaking in some incredible charity work, meeting amazing people, and getting really lost while hunting for dinosaur tracks….  

I got home, exhausted, dirty and having had the best time of my life. My savings was dwindling, and I still had no cooking clue what I wanted to do with my life. (Turns out you can’t plan to get slapped by the epiphany tree) . 

I went for a few interviews, and this my darling friends… is where the beginning of the epiphany started… it was slow, and unclear and rather quite hard to really capture… Firt I realised that I was interviewing the companies as much as they were interviewing me. I needed to find a good fit for me. The interviews could also be about me and what I needed. I was looking for a good fit into my life.   With this philosophy I turned down a lot of offers. And everyone around me thought I was a crazy fool. But I knew that I had to find something that would not only fulfil me while I was doing it, but also allow me to grow and expand, something that I could build my future with. I also decided that my next step didn’t need to be my forever job, my “new career” – I might never have one of those. But it did have to be something that filled me up instead of drained me.  

  About two weeks from when I needed to start selling my body for money to eat – I got a phone-call that changed my life. It was to temp for two weeks at a school as an aftercare teacher. Work with kids? WTF???   I was skeptical but desperate for some extra cash… so I took the offer and geared myself up to absolutely hate every second of it.  

haha! Universe… you whiley thing! Joke was on me!   I am now sitting nearly 5 years later still working with children. I have taught all ages – 5 to 20. I have taught kids to read, write, do maths, draw, act, I have taught Shakespeare, and poetry, and exercise, and how to deal with mean Susie. How to share, how to believe in yourself, how to see the bigger picture, how to wash your hands and wipe your bum, and well everything in between.   And I have learnt. I have learnt  how to listen, and to understand, how to believe in myself and deal with mean Susie (kids are mean!). I have learnt how to share, see the bigger picture, how to work hard, how to care so much it hurts sometimes, and how to let go. And I am still learning and growing every day.  

  I am now a home school teacher of a little school (8 adorable and horrible children) in the middle of the African Bush in South Africa. Surrounded by leopards, and elephants and hyenas. Trying my best to teach them something while I am in their lives. I have also begun the journey of studying to become a yoga instructor, playing with my creative side, and well… attempting to write about the wonderful thing we all share. Life.  

  And I love my life! I may not want to be a teacher forever. Or in the bush forever. I have no idea what awaits me around the next corner, but that’s the thing isn’t it? We can plan and plan and plan… and that means nothing because life has other plans for us. We cannot tell what is going to happen, what kind of phone-call we will get today that will change our lives in so many ways!   And to let go of your expectations and plans and allow life to unfold in its own magical way; while focusing on making the best of every single moment you have. Well that’s what I advocate!   So follow me along on my journey to appreciate the little things, learn everything I can about a ridiculously wide variety of topics, and see where this journey takes me next…   Who knows? Perhaps you could do with a little letting go yourself 🙂   “Life is a highway and I’m gonna ride it, everyday a winding road, yeah. My rollercoaster’s got the biggest ups and downs, but as long as it keeps going round it’s unbelievable!” – Kimya Dawson  

If you want to get in touch with me to ask any questions, or just want to say hi! You can email me at info@highwaycarnival.co.za 🙂   “Life is like a carnival ride. You can play it safe and ride the merry-go-round, it’s predictable. But, myself  personally, I will ride the rollercoaster, for all its glory and thrills, It’s ups and downs, twists and turns.” – Unknown